I just moved across the country. So naturally I am asked 100 times a day, “Why did you move?” And for some reason, “Because I could,” just doesn’t seem like an acceptable answer. Everyone is waiting for an answer that involves the clouds parting and an audible voice from the Lord telling me to head east. Truth is, I had just come off a couple years of intense growth and fulfillment at Impact, started school full time, and was simply, bored. Boredom is what probably gave birth to this blog.
When my friends and I travel, we visit people, we visit people so hard. It was no wonder that Madi, Mj and Danielle at the end of our road trip found ourselves somewhere near Miami hanging out with a house full of boys. When we visit, we also do it intentionally; we even had a mission statement that involved passing out money to anyone in need along the way. But I ended up changing that to – get Madi and me someone to make out with. Harmless crude humor would do us some good, since we’re blatantly far too prude to actually see it through.
Back to the boys. There was the reason we were there, Danielle’s boyfriend. There was the three Musketeers – college best friends who are like N-List famous for a parody twitter account that stalk the daughters of political figure, Jon Huntsmand, and lastly, this blog-inspiring, video game-lovin’, “5th roommate.”
5th Roommate made a stellar first impression. Standing at 6’6”, he whipped out his obviously rehearsed, defense mechanism of asking all of us, “So how short are you?” In which we pulled out our obviously rehearsed gaming lingo to relate with him for comedy’s sake. “So I hear you like Zelda. Did you know I made it to the 39th level of Zelda?” Danielle announced.
“Yeah, there aren’t 39 levels of Zelda.” He hesitatingly replied, bummed that she had never actually played.
I chimed in, “So do you like to play Halo?”
“Yeah, I like Halo.” He affirmed.
“Well, I’ve played once, maybe twice and you want to know my strategy?” I asked with raised brows. “I named myself Steve Irwin so people would feel real bad when it popped up on their screen of who they had just killed.” I scored some points with that one.
Madi didn’t make such a great first impression. When visiting a ministry that most of them worked at, Madi asked, “Is this the innovation room I heard one of you is going to renovate?” The room had already been finished, completely. The poor girl didn’t live it down all weekend and spent some serious time trying to make up for it, all the while the rest of us just imitated her by saying things like, “Is this your house? Is this your car? Is this a picture of your girlfriend?”
5th Roommate, horny as I’ll get out, made some valiant attempts at Madi and I, the only single ladies of the four of us. He made eye contact frequently, asked questions he pretended to be interested in, and was somehow touching you when you didn’t even know he was in the room. But it only took one night of these valiant attempts to see we weren’t exactly picking up what he was putting down and finally, he probably deemed us – not that hot anyway and moved on.
We all thoroughly enjoyed observing 5th Roommate, all weekend. For instance, Josh, Mj’s friend from home who came as well, comes into our room and says, “I think 5th Roommate is high. Like seriously high.” Madi and I just shrugged it off. But then the next morning Josh came with some good news. “So when 5th Roommate came in last night, which was like 5am (after a night of gaming), he farted. He farted like 16 times and after every fart, he would giggle. And I’m not talking about airy farts. He would just fart and giggle and I was the only one awake to hear it! And guess what? He was high! One of the 3 Musketeers told me he does a legal drug similar to weed.” Madi and I began dying at the thought of hanging out with the equivalent of a 14 year old boy.
Though it seemed like 5th Roommate’s chances of finding love during our visit seemed slim, we were all proven wrong. A larger group of us rented a house on one of Miami’s canals and spent the night on the town in South Beach. Here’s the thing about 5th Roommate, he is kind of striking, in a high fashion kind of way. Literally, though. When word hit that 5th Roommate had done some modeling before he moved out to Florida, Danielle and I forced ourselves upon the contents of a potential portfolio.
Before we knew it, 5th Roommate had us online showing us surprisingly good photos of himself. “Wow, do they tell you how to pose?” I asked.
“No, I just kind of did whatever felt natural.”
And then they started getting a little too high fashion. “Are you wearing a mesh shirt? 5th Roommate is that your nipple? Are those little white shorts?”
Danielle and I were eating it up. We continued to scroll. “5th Roommate, is that a tarp? What are you doing with that tarp?” Danielle asked. “Wait, go back to the tarp ones.” Sure enough, 5th Roommate was twirling a blue camping tarp around like he was competing in the Olympics with it.
It was probably these striking, high fashion looks that got the attention of one of the girls that came out with us that night. Apparently she had a single cousin or something and sent a picture of 5th Roommate over to her. By the next night, 5th Roommate had scored himself a date and we were eager all to see how it went.
He walked in, smile on his face. We all began hollering. Once that simmered, he finally got out, “She is so gorgeous!” The hollering sparked up again. And then he just went into it, everything he said was gold, “She was like 5% Kim Kardashian. She even had a little cleavage. She was probably a 34C. Nah, well maybe like a very full 34B. She got a chicken Caesar salad. She even called me honey.” And then there was the best of all, what we were all wondering, “And she didn’t have one problem at all with my gaming!” Match made in heaven.
So there you have it, no make outs for Madi and me, but looks like love is on the horizon for 5th Roommate, gamer-extraordinaire.